We spent most of this week Christmas shopping. We went shopping in Brunswick a week ago Thursday (the same night that the shooting took place at the Cumberland Farms--in fact, we were eating pizza in the same parking lot 20 minutes before it happened), we went to Bangor with my Mom on Monday, and on Friday, we went to Augusta, Lewiston/Auburn, and Brunswick. We got to 3 different Wal-Marts on that day. I love Wal-Mart! I think I am now done. I have almost all of the presents wrapped. There's one bad thing about being done early--I keep seeing more things I want to buy! I thought I was all done 2 weeks ago, but I've managed to spend about $100 more on both of my boys! Completely blew my budget! I guess I'm now going to just have to stay out of the stores.

I spent Saturday making Christmas cards. Because I am now an independent consultant with Close to My Heart(tm), I thought it would be appropriate to make my Christmas cards. I made 91 cards. It took me about 3 hours on Saturday, but I had also spent about 3 hours working on them a couple of weeks ago. It's definitely easier to just do those photo cards at Wal-Mart. (Did I say that I love Wal-Mart??) I just thought it would be "good business" to make them. We'll see if I get any business out of them. I really doubt it, as everyone I send a Christmas card to would already know about my "business", but I thought I should try.

Dwane has been home a lot more the last couple of weeks. I haven't minded a all. The house is a little more cluttered, but I'll take the extra clutter if it means I get to have my husband around. This week, he'll go in for about an hour each day, and then come home. This would have been a perfect week to be employed by Jim again. I could go in a little late each morning, and get in almost 40 hours. And, Dwane would be home for the boys. But--Jim needs me to be able to give him definite hours each week, not just "hit or miss", so I'll remain unemployed for now. I'm praying that something will open up for me somewhere before April, when the MBNA severance kicks in. I'm really going to need to make up some extra income. I guess it's too much to ask--to have a job that will let me work from home, or to have a job that would be so flexible that it wouldn't require me to work a strict schedule. If I had the luxury of picking any "work outside the home" job I wanted, I would love to work in a jewelry store. I just love gemstones. The money's probably not that good, though. I'd love to sell make-up, too. I always loved doing that at Senter-Cranes. I just wish that such a 'non-stress' job paid as much as a 'high-stress' job does. Anyway--until Caleb's in school, I guess I'm really looking for a miracle job. Doesn't hurt to pray for it, though!

Of course, I could always expand my CTMH business, but at the same time that I joined, 2 other gals from Knox County joined up, too. I'm really scared of "going all out" and trying to build my business, because I don't want to "step on their toes" or get into "their territory". (CTMH doesn't have territories--that's just how I feel about it.) Anyway, I'll keep praying, and God will show me what to do. I firmly feel that He wants me to be at home for my kids, and I firmly feel that He wants us to pay our bills. I'll just have to be patient and see what doors open.

Well, everything went well with the dentist. I had 3 fillings replaced in 55 minutes. Two on top, one on the bottom. I have to have 4 more done in about 2 weeks. Fun!

After the dentist, I had to stop by my old office to have something notarized. It was SOOOOO good to see Karen and Suzanne again. Jim was at a seminar, and Nina was meeting with a client, so I didn't get to see them. When I went into the office, it was like I had never left. Sometimes I think I would do almost anything (including getting on my knees and begging) to have my old job back. Then I get back to the daycare issue, and I just can't do it.

My brother asked about my Sudoku infatuation. In a nutshell, there are three rows of three boxes, thus making nine boxes. Each box is divided into nine squares. (Thus making a "9x9 grid", so to speak.) Numbers 1 through 9 appear periodically (randomly, I guess) within the grid. The instructions are: "To solve, place a number into each box so that each row across, each column down, and each small 9-box square within the larger diagram, will contain every number from 1 through 9. In other words, no number may appear more than once in any row, column, or smaller 9-box square. Working with the numbers already given as a guide, complete each diagram with the missing numbers that will lead to the correct solution." I bought one of those magazine puzzle books from the newstand, and I can do the "easy" and "medium" ones with little difficulty. Although I have tried 6 of the "hard" ones, I have yet to complete one successfully. I haven't even tried the "challenge" ones yet. I like the ones in TV Guide. They use 9 letters instead of numbers. When done correctly, the name of a TV show will be spelled out in the puzzle. I'll take one of my pages of the standard Sudoku puzzles to my brother at church tomorrow to see what he can do with them.

My brother Bill asked me to write the MI-5 this Friday. So this is what I came up with. My brother's answers can be found at www.BillyRhythm.com/traa.

1. SIGHT: What things do you most look forward to seeing during the Christmas season?
2. SOUND: What is your favorite Christmas song/hymn/carol?
3. TASTE: What do you most enjoy eating during the holiday season?
4. SMELL: What about a smell? Is there a certain smell that reminds you of Christmas?
5. TOUCH: Recall a "touching" Christmas memory.

Here are my answers:

1. SIGHT: I just love to see Eben's expression when he first wakes up on Christmas morning. This year, I anticipate it will be doubly-good, as Caleb should be old enough to get excited over presents.
2. SOUND: I love just about all Christmas music, although hymns probably mean the most. I think "O Holy Night" is my favorite hymn. My favorite all-time Christmas Album is "Patridge Family Christmas Card". Corny, maybe, but as a kid, I spent HOURS listening to this album every Christmas. I think they really "rocked up" a lot of the traditional songs (Blue Christmas, Rocking Around the Christmas Tree, Jingle Bells, etc.).
3. TASTE: Christmas Dinner at Mom's. Aunt Ginny's candy cane cookies. Uncle Ade's eggnog.
4. SMELL: Oh, I LOVE Christmas smells. Each year, I look forward to going to Bath & Body Works to buy some of their Christmas scents. This year, it's Vanilla Noel. Yummy. Bathy & Body Works also has a wonderful candle/room scent called "Spice". Very cinnamony. I was hoping that they had that for the body, but they don't. So sad.
5. TOUCH: Probably every Christmas has an element of something that is "touching". The first time Eben read the Christmas Story at Mom & Dad's. The musical teddy bear that Mom & Dad gave me. And most definitely, and probably the biggest one, is the year that Mom took our baby pictures and put them in scrapbooks for all three of us kids. I think we were all crying.

I have found the world of Sudoku. I am pretty much addicted! What fun! Probably the way I do them would be classified as "cheating", but I have fun anyway. Keeps my mind off things I don't want to think about.

I went two whole days without a headache. Had one today, and had to take Advil twice. Then I remembered that for the last two days I had been taken my five minutes "cat naps" on my new pillows. Unfortunately, these five minute cat naps ended up taking 2 hours each! Boy, I must be tired! Anyway, I'm blaming today's headache on my new pillows. (Which seem sooo comfortable!)

Dwane's busiest two weeks of the year are over. He worked 67.5 hours one week and 81.5 hours the next. He actually got to take all of Monday off, and he just has to go in for an hour or so tomorrow.

Tomorrow I get to go to the dentist first thing in the morning. I'm having the fillings replaced on one side of my mouth. I think that's about 5 fillings. All in one visit. Fun, huh? Bet I'll be taking Advil tomorrow, too.

Tomorrow is also Eben's Thanksgiving Feast. They're having a little concert, and then a Thanksgiving dinner at the Odd Fellows Hall. I'm sure it will be wonderful.

I've been really in the Christmas spirit lately. I've helped Mom with the Christmas program for Sunday School, almost finished my Christmas shopping, wrapped all of the presents bought so far, and I've got Christmas music playing in the car and Christmas-scented candles in kitchen. I'm very surprised about this Christmas spirit. I totally thought that I would dread the holiday season. I think that last year, though, there was so much "dread" wondering if it would be the last Christmas with Dad. This year, that sense of "dread" isn't there, at least in the same way. And, I just keep my kids in the forefront of my holiday thoughts. No matter how depressed I might be, and no matter how much I want to lock myself in the bedroom, I can't because of the kids. So far, though, I really want to go right head-first into the holidays. We'll see if the feelings change as the holidays get closer.

I guess my biggest news for today is that I don't really have a headache. Yay! I've been fighting a really bad headache for 2 weeks. Two weeks ago, Dwane and I got a new mattress and new pillows, and I also started a new prescription. I figured that one of those factors (or a combination of both) could have started the headache. Then, I was convinced I must have a brain tumor. With everything that went on with Dad, and is going on with Jim and Kayla, I just figured it was my turn. And in my current frame of mind, I was determined that if it was a brain tumor, I didn't want to fight it. I just wanted to die. Boy! What a pity party I was having! Of course, the obsessing about that certainly didn't help the headaches. Anyway, middle of last week, I stopped taking my prescription. Helped a little. Not much. Last night, I gave up the new pillows. For the fist time in two weeks, I woke up without a headache. I have a little one now, but not enough to take Advil for it.

Dwane and Alice also concluded that a lot of the headache was probably just tension. I think I agree. I have really been so strong (I think) through my Dad's death. I've tried so hard to hold it together for my kids, my Mom, and the rest of my family. I just wanted to be their rock. And, I think I wanted to be there for them so that I didn't have to face it myself. I mean, I haven't even really sobbed about my Dad's death yet. I've cried for a few minutes here or there, but I haven't bawled. I haven't tried to punch a wall. I haven't screamed at God. I just feel like if I go there, I won't ever come back to reality. I am AFRAID to grieve. No. I'm TERRIFIED to grieve. So, Dwane's theory is that all of that emotion has just balled up in my head. I'm sure he's right. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to just let it out...